Restless Days & Restless Nights

I live in constant panic. Walking on egg shells. Waiting anxiously for him to enter my room. Wanting him to stop calling me insulting names. Wishing everyday he wakes up in a good mood. Sneaking food to my room in the middle of the night. Begging for “bath time”. Shielding myself when he’s enraged. Jumping out of my skin when he opens the door to my room. Hiding the hatchet after he plants it in the center of the coffee table and says “I will cut you up in a million pieces.” Losing  sleep for days after he says “I could kill someone and they can’t prove it without a body and I don’t have a conscious so I’d never confess.” Being embarrassed and ashamed to go to public places with him because he humiliated me each time before.

This has been my experience–

Law enforcement does nothing but tell me to leave. “Just leave. Leave the state and never come back.”

Yet another girl goes missing or found remains months later.

Maybe everyone’s right, maybe it is my fault for not “just leaving”.

Am I wrong for needing him to pay for he has done to me?

If I don’t leave, I deserve it? Cause that’s all I ever hear.

Is this why so many women stayed and eventually RIP, because everyone turned their heads and said “just leave”?

I’m not saying I don’t take any responsibility for staying, because I do…I question and hate myself everyday for being here. 

If no one else cares, why should the victim…

I was so Blind!

It took me 3 years to realize that the only reason he was asking me questions in the beginning, such as…did your ex ever hit you? Did he ever call you names…was because he wanted to know if I was the right victim choice, he wanted to know if I would be a candidate to accept abuse…

It’s amazing what you are so blind about in the beginning…I thought he was asking because he wanted to know more about me so he could be a better man for me and show me they’re not all the same. This shows me that he has perpetrator intentions and not just “accidental angry issues”. This will go on my red flag list!

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