When Will It Be “Enough”

At first…

I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Why is he so cruel? How did he become such a monster? Where did he learn this behavior from? When did he begin to think that abuse is ok? What happened to him that caused him to be this way? Who showed him that this is normal?

Three, excruciating, seemingly never ending, years later…

I know the answer to each one of these questions. He lacks self-love, self-respect, self-esteem, self-control, and knowledge. He was abused and disrespected by his father as a child. The only consequence he ever faced for his negative behavior was abusive. He learned early on in life to intimidate so they would fear him thus not attack him. The women in his life were enablers. He’s uneducated. This is his way of hiding the pain and never accepting the truth. The only way he can stay afloat in the world. This is his survival mode.

I‘m slowly learning…

I can see things now that I couldn’t see before. Three busted cell phones later, I finally ran across some online information about personality disorders, abuse, etc. The more I read, the more I realize that this relationship was never real. It’s been fake from the beginning and it always will be.

He lives in a fantasy world…

His priorities are very low and there’s no future. A fantasy world is all about the NOW, focus on today and don’t think about tomorrow. Tomorrow, none of this will have ever happened. I’m all about “living for today” but, the pain and suffering from today will still be there tomorrow.

He said…

“You have changed a lot.” I have changed. I’m beginning to set boundaries, stand up for my human rights and refuse to be disrespected.

I am equally responsible…

I have a good friend that’s always told me that it’s our (women’s) fault that men no longer have respect for us because at some point we stopped refusing to be disrespected. We started allowing them to treat us like whores instead of housewives. Now, it has become the ‘norm’. If you think about that a little further: Yes, women have been abused by men for centuries, but look how much more common it is today. Look around at how many people are turning their heads to the abuse. Are victims really to blame? If society has normalized it, why wouldn’t victims?

Think about relationship priorities in today’s world…

Most relationships, today, are lucky if they last 4-5 years. Life priorities have drastically changed. There is no more ‘until death do you part’ or ‘for better and for worse, in sickness and in health’. Now, it’s ‘until I get bored and you know longer meet my needs’. No morals. No respect. Only, ‘all about me’. People don’t cherish good people anymore, they use them. Use, abuse, replace.

We all have our battles to fight…

The hardest battle I’ve ever fought was between the ‘mind’ and ‘heart’. I’m extremely forgiving. Very understanding. I don’t know how to give up on people. I see the good buried deep inside that they refuse to release. I simply cave under pressure. I continue looking for happiness with a person who is taking it away from me. I continue to give chances to someone who has proven to be unworthy of them. I continue to expect a different result from someone who has no desire to change. My loyalty keeps me in a situation that common sense should take me out of.

When will it be ENOUGH…

Lies, cheating, name calling, slaps, punches, kicks, restraints, choking, starving, knives, guns, hatchets, threats, STD’s…What’s it going to take for it to be ENOUGH? It’s been ENOUGH several times in the three years that have passed. I left every time it was ENOUGH. I return every time he says “Sorry”. It’s clearly a never ending cycle. It’s never going to change. It gets worse every single time. So, when? When will it be ENOUGH? When I’m laying in a Rehab Facility fighting for my life? Or, when I’m six feet under? When?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.