4th of July 2019

Lying in bed, my heart is pounding, I can hear his rage from the other room. I’ve stopped catering to his every need. I’m terrified. I hate this feeling. My stomach is tight. My heart is pounding. I don’t know if he’s going to come into my room. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t. Not knowing is terrifying. Will he choke me until I can’t breathe this time, just call me hurtful names or demand a “grudge fuck”? I can hear the sound of silverware clinging from a distance or is that the five knives laying on the table beside where he sleeps? He is yelling but I have the fan on in my window to drown out as much as possible.

He is angry all the time but this particular moment is because I haven’t washed dishes and cooked for him today. I can’t wash dishes in the sink because there’s no running water. He has no desire to fix that issue. I must heat water on the stove and wash them in the same bathtub that I’m expected to bathe in. The hot water heater hasn’t worked for three years. He won’t replace it, because his life priorities are gambling and sex. I worked all day in the other trailer, bagging trash and cleaning. After that, we went into town and that’s always a two hour trip with him because he’s very social. We came back home, loaded the trash and hauled it out to the field to later be burned.

Now, he wants to go back into town and get cigarettes. Another two hours, then we’re headed back home. It’s midnight now, I’m exhausted, and he’s angry because I haven’t washed dishes and cooked for him yet. He demands I am with him all day, every day. Therefore, I leave with him around 8:30 AM every morning and he drags me back home around midnight every night. Still, he complains every night that I am lazy and do nothing here. My whole life revolves around him! My every moment must be “about him”. So, tell me again, how I never do anything for him. What about me?

You see, living with a Narcissist is complicated. It must always be about him. When it’s not, he throws a tantrum much like a three-year-old, child. When I first came here, I didn’t recognize what was happening. I thought this was normal and everything he said and done was out of anger with future regret. Believe me, when I say, there is no remorse and never will be! Narcissists are the most self-centered, Inhuman beings.

I realized Abuse is a Choice. He makes a “choice” every day to Abuse me. He feeds off it. His soul craves it. He must always be in control of someone/something because he has no self-control. Personality Disorders are a reason not an excuse. Mental Illness does not excuse treating people badly.

Most people like myself do not recognize symptoms of Abuse. Society has categorized Abuse as Physical. There’ s so much more! I didn’t realize that “control” is abuse. I thought being told what to do, what not to do and who to talk to, was normal in a relationship. Then, I learned the difference between a Healthy Relationship and an Unhealthy Relationship. This opened my eyes to the truth of what Abuse really consists of. Most people, like myself, do not realize that someone controlling anything you do or say and calling you names is, ABUSE. Not to mention, Love is Blind, therefore you will not recognize right away.

As I watched videos and read articles about personality disorders, I recognized, “this is my life! This is what’s happening to me!” Every single victim/survivor story I heard, was exactly my life! I now have a personal online degree in Psychology, whether I wanted it or not.

I smell something cooking. I’m really hungry but I’m too nervous to eat. I wait until he falls asleep, tiptoe to the kitchen and take some food to my room.
Today is a Holiday. Narcissists hate Holidays. I’m not allowed to be happy, especially on a Holiday. I can’t think of a single Holiday or Birthday in three years that he hasn’t behaved like a stark raving lunatic.
When I hear his footsteps, I get tense. Does anyone deserve to live in constant fear? Does anyone deserve to be tortured? I said something to upset him, a few days ago. Now, I must be punished for eternity. He told everyone, he’s taking my privileges away for a while. I didn’t have any, to begin with. I haven’t had any for three years.

The only time I feel relaxed is when he is asleep and I’m not even sure if that’s a total relax because it’s been so long, I forgot how it feels. A year ago I could still remember what life felt like before, but I can no longer remember. I’m slowly fading away. Dying a slow horrible death while everyone around me watches.
Narcissists hate doctor appointments, too. Even if it’s not scheduled for them. I’m scheduled for a biopsy in the morning, for the fourth time, and I’m curious to know how he prevents me from going this time.

Narcs have a very subtle way of confusing the human mind. You won’t even realize you’ve just been Manipulated and Gaslighted. You find yourself wondering what just happened (wait..what?). It’s like magic. You’ll never understand unless you have the unfortunate circumstance of coming across one of these fearful, vindictive, inhuman souls. Much different than the average jerk. No one can be quite as Manipulative as a Narc.

I’m starting to relax a little now. He hasn’t come in here. I hear the clinging of a fork against a dinner plate. I long for the moment he falls asleep every night. It’s the only time I feel completely safe.

It’s getting quiet in there now, I think he’s finished eating. Will he come in here or not? I wish I knew. I have severe anxiety and the anticipation is exhausting. I must be prepared because, if not, the sound of his voice will startle me and I despise that feeling. Most nights I lay in here pretending to be asleep in case he comes in. If you’ve never been there, it’s much like hiding from a predator in a dark alley.

I just heard him pound his fist on the table and I jumped! Increased anxiety. Deep breathes. Try not to worry. It’s Ok. He will be asleep soon. He hasn’t yelled in a while, at least I haven’t heard him. That’s a good sign. Maybe he’s calmed down for a while. At least until morning, maybe.

I’ve often wondered why he chooses his friends to be alcoholics, drug addicts, thieves, liars, nasty, con-artists, pedophiles, etc. I used to explain to him that he was a better person than that and tried to encourage him to choose better friends. I blamed it on low self-esteem and no self-worth. I finally realized that he chooses to have these types of people in his life because they make him feel better about himself. He is intimidated by “good people”. He needs Flying Monkeys. He can’t get that from a “good person”. He can only obtain that from someone who enables him by believing every lie and/or someone who refuses to acknowledge both sides of the story. Most likely, someone just like him.

My punishment tonight escalated again from me denying him sex, which is consistent. So, to punish me for that, he called me a few bad names, ordered me around a bit, then drove me to Walmart parking lot and forced me to wait for him in his truck while he talked to his “girlfriends” on the other end of the lot. He knows what bothers me. He learned that early on in our relationship. That’s the first thing a Narcissist does to a victim. From the beginning, he questioned me, but not like normal questioning people use to “get to know one another”, but much like being interrogated by the police. He learned my weaknesses. Now, he uses them for punishment.

I mentioned how hungry I was a few times tonight, so he saw that as an opportunity. He wants everyone to suffer because, deep down, he is suffering. If he can’t be happy, no one will be happy. I feel worse for his family and his children than I do myself.

A therapist once told me, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You can travel to the other side of the world, have no contact with them for ten years, return, and they will still be the same person.” I’ve never forgotten that, Nor will I ever forget my grandmother telling me the exact same thing.

He and I are very much alike in some ways, very much different as I am not Abusive. We both have low self-esteem, no self -worth and very little self-control. We are both Codependent. We need someone else to make us feel validated. The irony of this is that I know how broken he feels inside. I just wish I could convince him to react without destructing. I wish he could feel empathy like I do. Except, I need someone to care for, he needs someone to care.

I’ve been extremely emotional, the last few days. I was trying to break his number one tool. Isolation. Only to receive a major setback, from a very close family member, who reminded me why I chose this lifestyle to begin with. I was doing so much better. I began writing to release my feelings since I’m not allowed to voice them here and added all my friends back on social media. So, now I’m back to square one. Feeling worthless, unwanted, resentful, angry, and confused.

It’s so hard to just leave because I’ve invested so much time and effort into healing him. I feel like if I leave, it was all a waste of time. The magic he inflicts on me causes me to be delusional to the fact that “I can not heal him”. I must accept that he will never change before I can move forward.

I miss my family. I miss my children. I miss my parents. I miss My Life. I took advantage of every second of my life and now I regret it. Never again will I fall victim and lose insight. If I get out of here alive, I’ll never drop the guard again. I will forever protect myself. I will forever see the red flags that I couldn’t see when love was blind. And I will continue to tell My Story!

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