Domestic Violence isn’t just Physical:
- It’s feeling too frightened to say “No”
- It’s being isolated from all your friends
- It’s having your self worth destroyed
- It’s believing everything is your fault
- It’s being constantly invalidated
- It’s looking in the mirror and being unable to recognize yourself
The Idealize Phase It all starts with making you feel like you’re the best thing he’s ever laid eyes on. He makes you think you’ve got it going on. This is only a ploy to reel you in. His goal from the start was to make you feel as special as possible. It was all fake. You may be special, but not to him.
Intimidation He shaped and molded me into everything he wanted me to be by threatening to tell my secrets or make up lies about me, destroying my personal property, abusing my pets and displaying weapons. He wanted a whore, a personal servant, a liar, a thief, a manipulator, a financial supporter, a drama queen, a ‘ride or die’. He turned an innocent, family oriented, sweet, faithful, loyal, honest, God Fearing Woman into ‘One Hot Mess of Narcissistic Supply’!
Brainwashing He made me believe that my family and friends were now enemies who didn’t love me anymore, only he loved me now. Believe me when I tell you that this can happen to anyone. Never Say Never! I learned the hard way and I don’t ever want anyone to ever experience what I have lived. It’s nothing short of pure Evil. There’s no other way to explain it. Never in my entire life, did I ever think that anyone could take over my mind, soul and body.
Gaslighting When you see me at the store, waiting for him to return to the vehicle and I go inside to rush him because I’ve been waiting for an hour, looking like the abusive one-Don’t Judge. Because, you don’t know what created this ‘hot mess’. When I go inside and he waits in the car for me to return, if I’m not out in two minutes, he is questioning me, spinning tires, driving recklessly, screaming, cussing and calling me every bad name he can think of.
Reverse Projection When he tells you that I never let him go anywhere by himself, this is because he doesn’t allow me to go anywhere by myself. If he goes to the store alone, he returns 4 hours later and feels no need to explain where he’s been. If I go to the store alone, I’m gone 30 minutes and suddenly I’ve been out “whoring around”. Do you see my point? He wants you and I to think I am the crazy one.
Devalued My sense of self has been diminished. I can no longer make decisions for myself. I must ask permission. I’m never allowed to express any feelings, ask any questions or voice any opinions. I must listen to his feelings, answer all his questions quickly and agree with any opinion he has. I must always be perfect supply.
Identity Insults I used to take these personal, feeling extremely sad and worthless because the person I loved and tried so hard to please felt this way about me, until I realized, it’s not just me. Every woman is a ‘Bitch’, ‘Whore’, ‘Worthless’…and every man is an ‘Asshole’, ‘POS’, ‘SOB’, ‘MF’… No one catches a break. Not his family, his kids, nor his so called ‘friends’.
Manipulation I felt like he really wanted me dead until I learned it was only threats to get what he wanted. I watched him manipulate his family, children, friends and co-workers to intimidate them. Threatening to kill them or not attend an event unless they did everything the way he wanted it done. No one else matters. It’s his way or the highway. I choose the highway!
Triangulation I used to feel like I needed to fight for my relationship. He taught me this. I thought I was losing if I didn’t fight for him and win. I finally realize, walking away is winning. I lost and she won. She was the one living in peace while I was living in hell. She was getting the fun side while I was being controlled, waiting on him hand a foot, and being used as his “flying monkey” when he was upset with her. He used both of us financially, physically, emotionally and sexually. Then, he used us against each other. We resented each other. One day I realized, she is also a victim. We were both victims of Narcissistic Abuse. The entire community, his entire family, are victims.
Jealousy He doesn’t want anyone to ‘like’ you. He tells lies that spread rumors about everyone in an attempt to make you look bad to everyone. He has to make others look bad so that he will feel better about himself. Everyday he screams this out at me, “Everyone just loves you!” Think about that for a minute. I thought he always said that to me because I am an easy going, nice, sweet, kind, honest person, and he was mad because everyone liked me better than him. Listen carefully how he speaks to you about others. This is how he will speak about you to other people.
Isolation This is the #1 tool for abusers! They want to make sure you feel like you have no where to go to escape. If someone makes him mad, I’m no longer allowed to communicate with that person in any way. When we first got together, he unfriended everyone on my Facebook, except my close family, because he knew they would come find me if I didn’t keep at least the minimal contact.
Control I thought he only controlled women. Maybe he hates women or he’s just a woman beater. Maybe his dad was mean to his mom and he thinks its ok. NOPE! He manipulates and tries to control everyone he has contact with. His boss, his family, my family, his kids, my kids, people on the street, everyone he comes into contact with. He has no Self-Control therefore he must be in control.
Self-Centered He will interrupt every conversation anyone is having with another person. He has to always be center of attention. The world revolves around him. And, he will go as far as faking illness to get the attention he needs. When someone gets sick or injured, he will try everything he knows to draw the attention to his self. When we call an ambulance for someone, as soon as they arrive on the scene, he acts like he’s dying to draw the attention to himself. If he thinks someone is getting more attention than him, he will sit in the corner and sulk! Imagine, a fifty-one year old man acting as a three year old child.
Resentment You can not sit peacefully and enjoy any second of life with anyone who has a Personality Disorder. The world revolves around them. If you win money and he don’t, you are scum and he is entitled to half your winnings. If someone gives you something or does something to help you out, he is jealous because “I wish someone would do that for me.” If you go fishing with him, you catch a fish and he don’t…he’s mad at you. You get “the look of resentment”. If you accomplish anything in life, big or small, he will resent you for it, no matter who you are.
Entitlement He feels entitled to everything. He feels everyone owes him something. When you leave the relationship, you leave empty handed because everything “belongs to him”. He is very immature. A fifty-one year old man with the mental capacity of a fifteen year old boy. He is jealous of everyone’s accomplishments. I thought it was just mine, until I realized he feels this way about everyone. I was so blind until I started learning about Personality Disorder. Now, I understand the truth about what’s happening.
Accountability You are forced to do all of the apologizing. Never will he ever accept any responsibility for any negative behavior. “You shouldn’t have made me mad”, is the closest thing to an apology you will ever receive. He never apologized for hurting me but I apologized ten times for being angry about it.
I take ZERO responsibility for the abuse I encountered during this relationship. No one, under any circumstance, has the right, to put their hands on you, belittle you or control you in any way, for any reason, EVER! I take 100% responsibility for staying this long. I lost every ounce of dignity and respect for myself. I wasn’t raised this way. I was taught morals and self-respect by my Parents and Grandparents. I knew better. I knew something wasn’t right but I didn’t care because I had no respect for myself. I was angry and resentful at life. I could care less if the sun set and rise tomorrow. If you don’t respect your self, no one else will respect you. Some people will respect you to a certain degree because they have Self-Respect. You take two people together in a relationship, both with no Self-Respect, you get nothing less than TOXIC.Fallen Angel